Real-Time Review: That’s What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction

by thethreepennyguignol

00:05: This music video ANNOUNCES it’s director? Fuckin’ fancy as shit here.

00:08: Oh, so it’s Summer Lovin’ from Grease? That’s what that riff is, right? No?

00:12: Oh, isn’t this one cute. He looks quite embaressed looking straight down the lens, which is ironic considering he’s singing “You’re insecure/Don’t know what for”.

00:20: I’ve heard a lot about the apparently insane allure of Harry Styles (there’s a best-selling BDSM fanfiction starring him that’s being adapted into a movie. Seriously), I wonder if I’ll get the attraction and how I’ll feel about myself if I do.

00:26 : I get it, and I’m not happy about it.

00:37: It’s pretty funny, it seems that the boy’s enthusiasm goes up and down per person at random points in the video. One second Harry Styles is jumping dramatically to highlight the chorus, the next two of the other ones are awkwardly trying to avoid looking at the camera.

00:49: Wait, there’s only five of them? Are their only five members in One Direction? Fuck.

01:05: Look, I’ll admit that I’m not the target audience for 1D, but I’ve kind of got to admit that I totally get the appeal of this song. This shit is catchy like meth.

01:21: Everything looks like a clothes advert aimed at young adults in France. It’s so sweet and retro and kind of try-hard.

01:31: In the “story” on this video, the 1D boys are trying to convince some apparent girl-crushes that they’re beautiful (the song’s hook is “You don’t know you’re beautiful/that’s what makes you beautiful”, but they spend the entire song trying to make her understand that she’s beautiful. YOU’RE GOING TO RUIN IT FOR YOURSELVES), and now the ladies are onscreen with the fellas and there seems to be a deficit. Three girls, five guys. I’m VERY interested in where the video goes from know.

1:50: They’re literally skipping on the beach.

2:07: Five to seven years ago, I would have seared every frame of Zayn Malik into my brain forever. Now I just think they’re all kind of adorable, like a hamster eating a tiny burrito.

02:14: Oh no, I secretly want to hear this bridge performed live. I’m assimilating.

02:34: They’ve given Harry Styles all the post-chorus bit. He really does across as the “main” member of the group, to be honest, but then how many of them have dated Taylor Swift?

02:45: And for the final chorus they’re lighting up sparklers on the beach and dancing in hipster-nautical gear on a white par of stairs DIRECTLY from the eighties.

02:59: They’re doing a The Right Stuff walk over the sand. I hope it’s an oblique reference to the movie.

03:26 My brain accepted that more than I possibly hoped it would.