Hello Kitty: A Real-Time Review
-0.30 seconds: Hey, I’ve been hearing a lot about this Hello Kitty video by the late lamented pop star Avril Lavigne. I should give my fans what they want and give them my unadultarated breakdown of the song and infamous video! And THEN write a ridiculously expository opening sentence on my blog! Nice one, MacGregor.
0:02: If you put as much effort into putting some-any-emotion behind your eyes as you did to talking pointless Japanese, maybe everyone would remember you for something other than Girlfriend.
0:10: I literally have one hand over my face because this full-frontal is too fucking awful to bear.
0:30: You’re not Katy Perry. For some reason, you thought this was a bad thing. Take off that fucking cupcake skirt.
0:50: Those backing dancers look like they’re dead. Not in a dead-inside way: actually comitting some form of neon hari-kari as the video takes place.
0:54: You’re not playing that guitar. There’s no guitar in this song. You look like a wanker, Lavigne.
1:17: Is it a joke, though? I mean, nobody could have seriously thought that a grown-arse woman soulessly parading about in pick ‘n’ mix fetish wear spouting innuendos that would have made the cast of Carry On cringe could pass for enjoyable pop. This isn’t even a guilty pleasure; this is a brothel for middle-class buisnessmen with a very specific fetish.
1:20: Incidentally, sex dolls have more charisma than Avril Lavigne.
1:36: COME COME KITTY KITTY YOU’RE SO SILLY SILLY. Words to live by, that.
2:00: Somebody, somewhere, was sitting in an office while they all brainstormed this video, and that person said, with no hint of irony, “What if she eats sushi over the dubstep bit?”.
2:10: Now, she’s just…..waving. At the legions of fans who existed for the twenty minutes before Sk8er Boi was played to death.
2:31: That “Miaaaooooowwww” bit was in Blurred Lines.
2.48: HELLO KITTY YOU’RE SO PRETTY. The homeless man who bummed a fag off me yesterday could have written a better song than this.
3:02: The music’s over but Avril is still dancing. A sort of metaphor, really.